Ted Schmitz’ New Year’s Resolutions
Goodbye, 2018, with your glorious Soundcloud rap Instagram posts from suburban kids in little beanie caps. Although I didn’t follow through on any of my new year’s resolutions, like getting on Baker at 30 years old by only skating the indoor park by my house once a week, I’d like to give this whole “resolutions” thing another shot. If I can make any of these happen—or even attempt to start one—I think the early-30s in 2019 will be quite tight. —Ted Schmitz, Almost 31
Illustrations by Michael Sieben
1. Drink nothing but water all year
2. Figure out how to pull off a track suit before they go out of style indefinitely
3. Stop saying how happy you are to be “apart” of a new company or video
4. Stretch
5. Maybe wait another year before actually stretching
6. Find out how to watch the live stream of contests
7. Realize how boring the live stream versions are and see if there’s a good account you can follow that just shows the highlights
8. Drink less beer
9. Maintain your shop sponsorship by ripping in a more traditional, less sitting-on-a-ledge-commenting-strong-arm-emojis-on-Stephen-Lawyer-posts, style
10. Maybe learn how to do those back 50s that are basically feebles
11. Upgrade your photo gear
12. Get confused by all the new model names of cameras and end up just selling all your old gear
13. Stop focusing your boards. Who knows if your homie that gives you boards is going to be flow for Real much longer—let's be honest, he'll be flow forever, but you should still stop the tantrums
14. Do the feeble kind of back 50 holding a water bottle that you will hopefully drink from
15. Make more money
16. Spend extra money on limited streetwear
17. Google “how to sell limited Supreme hoodie on eBay”
18. Forget to list hoodie on eBay
19. Try to make even more money to cover the cost of expensive hoodie
20. Find a pool to tell the pool skaters about so they’ll let you in on their sessions. Your older brother has a pool. Start there
21. Find out what happened to Wade Burkett
22. Get health insurance. Can’t believe you missed open-enrollment again
23. Start preemptive GoFundMe to make up for lack of health insurance
24. Get ready for mid-2000s revivalism to follow ’90s trend. Invest in a pair of tan corduroys, some Grasshoppers and a short-brim military hat
25. Find out how much P-Rod got paid for those McRib ads
26. Try to find scenario where posting an ad for the McRib could possibly be worth it
27. Start waking up earlier. For some reason, the other skaters in their 30s think 9 am on Saturday has some magic power that makes sucking at skating more bearable
28. Just make sure to drink more water than beer
29. Make it in Photograffiti
30. Act like you meant for it to happen when your Photograffiti submission gets picked for Poser of the Month
31. Catch up on videos from 2018. Was the Cons video in 2018? Heard good things
32. Wait for enough videos to come out in 2019 and just start saying they’re “the best in years” so the other skaters don’t realize you have no idea know what Purple is
33. Try to get those Monster cans that have water in them like the Street League people drink, or at least just stop putting Redbull in your Hydroflask
34. Disregard list and keep skating the indoor park once a week hoping this will really be the year Baker puts you on—despite being out of shape and 31 years old
35. If #34 doesn’t pan out, disregard entire list, settle for drinking a glass of water and then congratulate yourself
36. Be happy about the little wins and try to forget that you used to do tuck-knee street grabs
37. Start skateboarding’s first official PR firm for pros who are about to go totally rogue on Instagram. After making a fortune in one short year, use the money to construct an isolated soundproof bunker to hide out until the 2020 Olympics and presidential election are over
38. Manage to get at least one single sip of water in 2019. If you can’t keep it down, try cutting it with some blue Gatorade. If that’s still not possible, try coconut water. Supposedly it hydrates better than regular water and Reynolds likes it
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